FOR GOD SAKE...:(

:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(.....:(
Such a fucking bad day...not quite too sure why just has been horrific. Feeling so down tonight, cried for the first time in about two weeks ( record )...big fat PROPER tears. But I can't talk to my parents about the 'issue' cause it a bit cringe worthy, in their eyes I'm innocent, a good girl who wont take interest in guys until I'm 20....their so so soooooo wrong . They think I would never skive, wrong again. Smoke, my mum is convinced she would be able to smell it but i have many times at parties and she hasn't. In their eyes I'm an angel, incorrect!
You may be wondering if my conscience suffers? Nope, never. I probably should, in fact even eating total crap( chocolate crisps ect..) doesn't even make me feel bad anymore....My stresses are about completely different things now, no longer, food, timings, neatness, and exercise.Now more about fashion, school work, friends.....ect.

Rant over? Not quite...
so....whats been happening, not much really the weekend was a disappointment, no gig on Saturday, worked both days and had loads of homework...Then Mondays are shit days, classic 'monday blues' feeling. And today, well what can i say, SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT. Oh well, it almost the end of the day now, tomozza should be better eh? Oh! aaaannnd on friday my cousin Georgia and friend Heather are coming over and we are going to dip dye our hair. Personally I am going to go for a auburn tipped look..EXCITED!!!
should look something like this... but auburn...

WHATS UP WITH YOUR FACE?

Some of the questions that I am being asked on my formspring are REALLY bringing me down, ones like ' you ugly but nice' I mean how am I suppose to react to that. Or ' How much do you weigh' There has been loads of ones about food, health, and weight ect, but you know what imma not answering them, sozza!

RED NOSE...

day, our school collect money from non school uniform..i.e;
thee most stressful morning ever! deciding what to wear....usually i can just shove on a polo shirt, a black skirt and a cardi or jumper. Today however I wore my black BGD ankle cigarette jeans, Sparkle and fade whit and black top, and a teal silk blouse i found in my mums cupboard...and my OneStar converses...
I hate photos of my self but there isnt many recent ones...( from when i am healthy, yes completely healthy!!:D)

My right wrist is always covered....usually with a vintage scarf and skit loads of weird beaded bracelets..



So frikin' disappointed....
at the fact that the gig/party that i was suppose to be going to tomorrow night has been cancelled:( Due to the police...being dicks basically..
Also  because 'the' person wasnt at school today...:( seriously I think I'm a wee bit obsessed, but i don't know it almost feels as if he is thinking of me too...? I remember hearing somewhere that when you think of someone it cause their think of you....i believe in things like that, superstition, love at first sight, fate....



Any way thats all for tonight, got work at 9 tomorrow ( shoot me now)
x

IDK

emmmm....well     < that pretty much sums up how I feel currently. Not much has been happening really, just the usual daily routine...

Get up

Breakfast

Shower

Get dressed make-up ect..

Run for the bus

School

Home 

Walk the dog

Dinner

Homework

Computer

Sleep

Also my weekend is pretty packed which is annoying as most if it is work... Working all of Saturday, friends coming before a party/gig in Peebles ( gaaayyy place ) Then I am working Sunday, which I can tell you now is going to be horrific...considering i have a bottle of wine and some vodka all for my self...:L

NUMB...

is the only word that can describe how i feel, I can't really look ahead or make active decisions  cause  theres a massive hurdle, like a lump in my throat, a constant thought......I dont feel low, or sad just frustrated, jealous, and hurt ( still). Florence and the machines lyrics " Feeling I'm in love, Seeing I'm in love, Feeling I'm in love" is one of the circulating thoughts causing my mind to be overpowered, my concentration is completely gone, no motivation. This is terrible and all because of one stupid kiss.

DAD

.....another worry, like i said he haas been feeling ill for months, undiagnosed with anything, making horrible scary thoughts creep in, cancer, blood problem, heart problem......the list goes on. The doctors have made  hospital appointment for further check ups......one doctor ( who previously told my mum, who had a metal splinter under her nail that was excruciating , that it would ease out and just to sleep on it) told him it could be a sudden loss of adrenaline, from being up tight and stressed the years i was ill, and before that when building out extension, could now give him adrenaline low....which of course make me feel terribly guilty )

This picture is from summer, the bags were just starting to appear beneath his eyes......:(

ATOM TO ATOM OH WHATS THE MATTER WITH ME LOVE?

Like I said earlier- Florence and the machine- Strangeness and Charm

Florence + The Machine – Strangeness And Charm - Live From Hammersmith Apollo

Warpaint- Undertow   - beaut of a song, really mesmerising...... 

Warpaint – Undertow

Jonsi- Go Do   - My hippie roots showing through...

Jónsi – Go Do

BYE BBZ. <3

Start a new one eh?

I CBA to finish the last one < a good representation of my laziness:L Well I'm no lazy just relaxed, when I couldnt say in my head ' Oh, sod it' everything had to be perfect. Now it has changed, everything is as it is, I do my best but no one is perfect.

Peeeerrrrtttyyy?
Last night I was at my friend Kitty's Birthday party, fairy themed. I went glitter mad, my fine metallic knitted top, glitter tights, and two vintage brooches attached to my skirt. I felt slightly, just slightly out of place, because her 'crowd' is not my usual type of  people ( they are all lovely though ) and also cause I dont fit a mould. It doesn't bother me, part of my lack-luster attitude. It was FUN and thats what matters. Consisting of a meal, present opening, and games ( oldies like pass the parcel, musical bumps ect.) in-fact i WON musical bumps and a chocolate chicken.....:P So yeah...i went for a long rainy catch-up walk walk with Charlotte, we were best friends in Primary school but when i became ill she ( like many others, understandably) had no time for me and my pathetic illness. So today was LOVELY:P                  (walllybum)   Tonight is going to be spent practising for my practical music exam...BBBOOOOOO!! Naaaat looking forward to it in theee slightest.                                                          
                                                      

TURTLE??

This photo is from when i was 3 years old, Turkey again. My mum looks so happy, i wish i could see her like that again. So vibrant and full of life, I have worn her down, worn both my parents down. They are shells of people at the moment, only starting to regain a grasp of what 'normal' life is...:( In fact I reckon my dads worse, his depressions come back, he is unemployed, and now there is nothing to concentrate on as i am gradually letting go of the 'hands'. Braving it on my own. They mean the world to me, literarily, i had a dream my dad died the other night and thought about throughout the next day, crying at least 3 times:(  ( oh yeah the title refers to the turtle in my mums hand, you cant really see it...)

I cant fuckin wait.....

for summer. It will be amazing, no exams, no stress, healthy me.  I think my family has had a change of thought on where to go, cause my mums has been offered a chance to go to France for 3 weeks to do a carving symposium. Yes my parents are both artist, mums a stone/wood carver, she does school projects too. Dads ( when he has work  ) designs bespoke gardens and then make them with his 'workers'. So....i think we may go out and visit her, also Croatia isnt looking to good politically.

Know what? I am over it........I wish:(

The 'guy' I talked about before is constantly on my mind ( FUCK, I hope he dosent read this, he wont, he doesnt care...) Would you know what i meant if I said I felt a click? Cause i did, I hadnt noticed him before, then it clicked and now i cant stop thinking about him....:L I have so fucking much to give, so much love, that over the past years has been stored away waiting.....

Okay I admit I am obsessed...with BON IVER...:D

Bon Iver - re:stacks - Absolutely beautiful song, make me wanna cry...Bon Iver – re:stacks

Bon Iver, Kanye West, Nicki Minaj- Monster --- TUNE Kanye West – Monster

Bon Iver - Wisconsin ----tres beauBon Iver – Wisconsin

End of.

Too much on my mind.

I PLEAD GUILTY.
Okay, so heres whats happened. Every night I have thought about writing a new post put TBH I've ben felling really crap. :'( There are three main contributors to this,
- throat infection ( Bleeeeeegggghhhh  not nice. )
- Something to do with a guy...( Far too complicated but the heading of the post says it all...:( )
- Stress over exams...Art prelim ( mock ) exam on Friday and music performing OFFICIAL exam on Monday...
sooo...yeah! that whats bad:(
However there have been good thing too!!

And celebrate the irony
I went to see the 'Wombat' avec my cousin Georgia, it was pretty good! Not only were the band good but their support act ( one of them ) was good too!! My opinion was probs swayed by the attractive piano/bass/synthesiser player....:P


The Wombats @ HMV Picture House, Edinburgh - Moving to New York

^ shite quality video, but gives a good impression of the audience..


Tuneios



Bon Iver- Skinny Love ( adore this song, have been listening to it solidly for about a week )

bon iver - skinny love


Ahhhhh!!!! My laptop has 2% battery left, i will finish this in the morning!!

Laters
XX

Blah blah blah blah balh blah blah blah blah coming out your mouth with you blah blah blah blah....

OHAI again.....
havent posted for a couple of days been kinda busy...
so..yeah Saturday I work 9-4 which is a bit of a shock to my lazy system as I usually work 11-3....but HEY! its money, I'm not complaining!! I probs spent in al the next day though...went shopping with my cousin, it was fabulous! Got a couple new vintage items and my ear stud change to this really sweet miniature black star...only downer being i missed the last bus home...:L father was not impressed!

yes, the picture really needed to be this large to see it!


Ma cats a beaut. No question. No doubt.
Well technically I have two cats....but one only ever comes in at night. FREAK. Thats Ruby...sister of the lovely, friendly Daisy. Ruby is named after the song.....Daisy is named just because i thought it sounded pretty:P I think their about three now? Not sure, they seem pretty small still, almost dwarf:L
I will easily admit I'm a cat person....dogs are too big and smelly. Nough said.

They don't want music, they don't know how to use it.



Two Door Cinema Club-  I Can Talk ( beautiful vocals from my friend Heather's cousin!! hopefully going to see them soon:P)


TWO DOOR CINEMA CLUB - I Can Talk


The Killers- Crippling Blow ( tunage, right here ,listen. )

The Killers - A Crippling Blow (Bonus Track)


Despite all the controversy about Amy Winehouse I actually like her, even though she s a sleazy druggie when she does sing ( properly she is good!)

Amy Winehouse  (and Mark Ronson) - Valerie

Mark Ronson featuring Amy Winehouse - Valerie


I will leave you with Lady Gaga's  'Born this Way' video..i warn you, you may be scared, i was...:/
Lady Gaga - Born This Way (Official - High Quality - Download Link) ( I'm not sure if this is it, it was really hard to find...)



XXXXXXX
till next time.

It FRIDAY bbz.

Sozza i never posted yesterday, damned english folio got in the way. So? how are ya? feeling gid cause i am!

T'day
Has been mediocre, nae much happened. School and that, came home, was locked out of the house. FAIL. Parents came back, let me in. That is the excitement of my day..... but generally i am feeling perky, probs cause its the WEEKEND baby.I is working tomozza, then going shoppin' on Sunday wif my beautiful, talented cousin Georgia Gordon, check out her music its BEASTIN.

OH! Look I found this....LOLLOLLOLLOL :P

Why oh why? you may ask, because its funnay:P Haw haw haw...actually its pretty cringeworthy too.
Belly Dancing, i was not the best at, but i think i started too young...nae belly or boobs, kinda an essential part in the whole thing.



Oooft check out our white socks:L........













' You get high, cause you've got low self-esteem'
What do I have low self-esteem? I dae ken. The only way i can describe how it feels is by saying I feel like people are always, like constantly looking cause theres something up. I know in my heart they aren't looking, but i can just sense eyes on me. Its ma face that really gets to me, its just soo frikin round and pure ugly...:( I dont mind the rest o me, just the face could do with a changing.

BOOM BOOM!!


Some ssaaawwwnngs fo ya.

Frank Zappa- Willie the Pimp  ( nae personal reference)
Frank Zappa - Willie The Pimp

Franz Ferdinand- Katherine Kiss Me ( aaawww such a sweet tune:P)
Katherine Kiss Me

Cream- White Room ( wait till the violins end, its worth it.)
Cream - White Room

Julian Casablancas ( words cant describe how much of a babe he is...) -  Glass  ( lovelovelovelovelove)
Julian Casablancas Phrazes For The Young "Glass"

Anyways i will leave you with dat bbz
XXXXXXXX

Sup?

Late post cause I have been v busy:P It gonna be short and sweet though:)

Italia 2k11

< Thats my and my mammy on the ridge of Mount Alto July 2011......beautiful day, beautiful picture, shame about me in it though...:L I look pale, grumpy and too thin. :(  the paleness is highlighted by my mum being practically black... -_- lucky bitch!!
We went to Italy for threes weeks...it was one of the best holidays EVER!! Apart from the fact that i am an only child it gets kind of boring....this year I think my lovely, friend Cara may be coming with us, we dont know were we are going, we never do.
















Wed-nes-day
Boring, boring, boring, boring day......I think my expectations are always too high. Maybe not, maybe I'm just utterly dull...:L RIGHT I have to stop thinking like this. Focus on my positives, not looks cause their just non existent but qualities.
I am caring
I am cheerful ( or can be when im in the mood:P)
Funny? ( IDK you cant really judge that one yourself)
Individual
Clever ( only, i crumble under pressure)
Hope all the above don't sound vain, I am doing this blog for me, trying to gain back confidence and
self-assurance.


Musique c'est beau.
Excuse the very mixed collection of tunes.....we my mood took me.

John Lennon( ledge ) - Cold Turkey ( just miss the end when you start hearing the screaming...it goes on, and on, and on. )
John Lennon Cold Turkey

Wooden-box with a fistful of fivers- Hang the Noose (saw this band last year, and no, its not a depressed reference it a gid tune from a Scottish band)
Hang the noose - Woodenbox with a fistful of fivers

Stevie Wonder- Master Blaster ( Jammin') ( this is possibly the most amazing song i have listened to today!! LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN:) )


Anyway i'm going to sleep sozza its not longer..:L

Happiness Hit Her.... Like A Train On A Track....

OHAI!!
Wanna see another post? Well tuff imma putting it here anyway:P

"Back to the start, a lonely day at the railway station"
Where to start? How about right at the beginning......

I was born on the 17th of August 1995 in Edinburgh....not the Simpson hospital....but somewhere else....idk the name.:P My mums half Indian, half Irish and my dads half Scottish, half English. Sadly i posses non of the dark skin genes.....i do not tan. Not one but :(  I was told i looked like a traveller when i was small...true story:L Don't worry when i get married I won't have a dress that it bigger than the car, an i have no desire to live in a caravan!! I have found a picture o prove it...round face, freckles, button nose...MAHN! I was cute back then...what the hell happened.  Anyway...yeah didnt seem to inherit much...my mum has  jet black hair, my dad has dark brown however, I have blond-ish curly hair :P The photo is taken again form Turkey...2004?


L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N
Who's all excited for summer??? MEEE!!!For soo sooo sooooooo many reasons:P
 - Exams over....YYYAAASSSSS!!
- Insider festival, small boutique music festival in Avimore ( beastin last year, this year will be even better:P)
- La Gomara with mammy:D A non-touristy Canary Island...
- Hopefully Croatia....depends on the mutt.
- Sweet Sixteen....ooh i cant wait to buy a lottery ticket...jokes.:P
And a few more ;)

Whats happenin' bruv?
Again another average day...Double P.E to start isnt very pleasant though :L Still no art:( So I consider Tuesday a 'meehhh...' day. Tonights gonna be hell:( 2 essays...one in French. To be honest its my fault, i am probs the most disorganised person alive( they were suppose to be in two weeks ago:L)...but hey that the way i roll:P

V BEATS AYYYEEEE:P
I have listened to so many gid tunes today but i have selected a few of my favs.....enjoy!

Joe Bonamassa- Feelin'  Good    - this is my ultimate favourite of all the covers out there.:)

             Joe Bonamassa - Feelin' Good           

The White Stripes- Offend In Every Way    - awesome classic that popped up pn my shuffle and reminded me how much i like it : )

The White Stripes Offend in Every Way


And of corse something new and practically unheard of...

Pearly Gate Music- Bad Nostalgia    - From the US of A the AMAZING:P

Bad Nostalgia


Where do i learn about this kind of music? Well, i read shit loads of music magazines and just browse Myspace:P


VINTAGÉ


Today i have been wearing my small 'DAKS' silk scarf from Rokit in London wrapped round my wrist........


Anyway i have to go do these essays:((

Au revoir mon amie..

RIGHT screw this I am going back to the old kind of posting....

OKay, so the last few post have been a load of pashy shite,  even though its my life it only a bit of my life. So i am going to go back to the way of posting, the way i did before i deleted my other blog. So a bit of the past, bit of the future and a tiny bit of the present...Oh! and a hole load of music and vintage jewellery.

Dont look back on the past eh? Well I like to.

 Turkey 2005....gosh that was a long long loooonnnnnggg time ago! My parents and I went to Bosbourine, Turkey for 7 years running. It isn't like the Turkey your hear about, i.e a load of neds getting their 'chebs oot' for tanning, not at all. Its a quiet, small, v Turkish fishing village 2 hours away from any big town. It is BEAUTIFUL!! My parents are keen walkers, when I say keen I mean all the holidays I have been on have included walking. Some people dont appreciate nature, views ect....I used to moan and cause a fuss, even though I am not particularly interested in bug n that, I truly treasure the places and things I have seen. All through this holiday at the ripe age of 8 I was constantly listening to the entire Beatles album, on my I-pod shuffle....oh yeah :P  

Lets talk about the future now eh?
I am excited for the future, both near and distant. I am probs more for the near. Recently, i.e the last 6 months i have increasingly become happier....or more content whichever one it is I feel warm and fuzzy knowing that i have defeated the biggest demand of my life. Honestly I truly truly beleive i am well on my way to being completely recovered. I am going to be one of the 20 percent who do it! I have soo much i want to achieve.....heres just some of my ambitions...

To become a midwife ( your probs thinking eeewwww..... but its what i wanna do, it will be well rewarding and that eh? )

To have children( my body has to be strong enough to cope with that eh?)

Travel- America, Iceland, New Zealand, China, Canada...... the list goes on,and on.

I would also like to, if I was good enough set up a midwifery school in somewhere like Africa or Indonesia.


Wanna know what happened today??
Nothing much tbh...just a normal day at school...Physics, Music, French, English, Chemistry ( although i dropped it this time last year due to stress so I get a free period....which is always spent in art...my second home:P)and Maths to finish....a pretty brutal day of subjects ( no art :( ) Mondays along with Wednesdays are theee worst...

Munching on at this moment- Chocolate raisins....<3

TUUUUNNNEEEESS:P
Currently i am listening to,

Jimi Hendrix-  Highway Chile ( my tastes isnt everyones but it gid:P) check out the riff its awesome:D

Jimi Hendrix - Highway Chile

Kings of Leon ( babes )- Day Old Blues ( friking sweet, wait for the chorus)

Kings Of Leon - Four Kicks

London Blackmarket- Checkmate. This is an AMAZING song from a practically unheard of band!!! LISTEN!!!

London Blackmarket - Checkmate

VINTAGE OF THE DAY:D
My grandmothers old rings, non expensive( i hope seeing as i wear them everywhere) but v Jack Sparrow:P

that is all....
X

So.Many.Essays:(

Okay, it feels like this week has taken FOREVER and it not aver yet...:(
To complete by TOMORROW:O
- MacBeth essay
- Picasso and Gauguin essay
- Reflexive essay
- French folio peice
- A shit load of trig....
NOT GOOD!!!

Plus i have one of my extremely painful migraines...it can only get better eh?!

Too good a weekend to do homework so now it all catching up on me... Its because we have a weeks holiday next week 'February Break' but its a pretty depressing time to have a break cause its always raining and grey:( Oh well! my lovely fried Kitty had invited me over to hers for a wee sesh which should be nice!! I cant wait to get away from damp cold SCOTLAND!!! Honestly never ever come here it gross...Well...it can be pretty but i would say 70 percent of the time its raining or cloudy.I hope to go to Bolder, Colorado to stay with my cousins for my last year of high school ( 2012 )

Anyway its late and i have tonnes to do...rant over!!!

catch ya!
XXXX

MORNING!!

Just woken up with a terrible headache.....the aftermath of last night! Its probably partly to do with the strobe lights which flashed all night, the banging tunes or the alcohol. I didn't actually drink too much just some vodka shots then a beer and a wee bit of my friends vodka...I know it sounds bad  but its what the youth cultures like in Scotland...seriously, if you haven't been drunk by the age of 13 somethings wrong...:L
So! I haven't give much away about my ED so far in this blog...I will give you a brief timeline...

Winter 2007- My dad had an accident  which meant he was in intensive care for two weeks....made me stressed anxious and my 'best' friend wasn't couldn't care less as she was in the midst of becoming Miss Popular...

Spring 2008- Went on First year residential...got incredibly home sick...felt unhappy with my body pledged to loose 1 stone...

Summer 2008- Had lost the weight...but wasn't happy...:( kept on loosing causing major concern to my parents( my mum had anorexia as a teenager...it was left undiagnosed as nobody really believed in 'mental illness' in those days..) Went Turkey for  2 week holiday...came back lighter:L

Late Summer 2008- After the first two week back at school i was  admitted into IP in Edinburgh...There are no Day Centres near me and becuase my postcode is not Edinburgh i could go to the one attached to the IP.

January 2009- Discharged from hospital on the condition i gain more weight...go back to school full time where my 'best' friend is overly nice and too protective.

May 2009- After a walking holiday in Devon, admitted back into IP...only to be discharged 2 weeks later...

End of Summer 2009- Go to IP for to week as a day patient ( They eventually decided i could go)

Christmas 2009- have reached almost healthy BMI...have a stressful day but nice christmas period ( London for the weekend before



  February 2010- My 'best' friend ( who over the past year are relationship has become stronger, made friendships with her new friends, had been accepted into her 'group') Stops speaking to me. Tells me she cant look at me any more ( even though i was at this point healthy) Tells me i cant hang around with her..my quirky style doesn't fit...
So i broke down couldn't cope with walking around school on my own... I had no friends, no one to talk to .

Summer 2010- My weight had being slowly declining since February, but we still go on a much needed holiday to Italy. Three weeks of mountain climbing ( eating a lot but not enough..) takes its toll and by the end of the summer my weight is low again and feeling  lonelier than ever...

November 2010- GET A PUPPY!!! This was a break through, being an only child all the attention( especially when i was ill was on me) Start to gain weight. Properly

Christmas 2010- BMI good, me good, eating good, everything good.

January 2011-  First set of EXAMS!! aaaarrrggghhhh!!! thought i would be stressed but i found it made me actually gain more weight!!

February 2011- Finally after a long long hall i am looking forward to the future!! Come on life give it to me...nothing can be harder than what i have been through.

Picture...bad quality form my Mac Book Pro but is from today

Catch ya!!
XXX

Finally got round to setting up a new blog!!!

Well, Hello!

This is me, well this picture is actually from December 25th...but oh well! Haven't quite got to grips with downloading pictures of my camera onto my new lap top!
Anyways...today I have just pottered really... I am going out tonight to a ' after mocks party' which should be a laugh. Took my beautiful 5 month old lurcher puppy, Zak for a walk to the village.

Well...thats enough for now, I intended to write more but my friend just phoned and asked me to come to hers earlier as her sister has stolen her straighteners!!
Alex-India
XXx